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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595980">wishing i stayed; look at how my tears ricochet</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterah/pseuds/afterah'>afterah</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i know they said the end is near; but I'm still on my tallest tip-toes [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>The Last of Us</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Angst with a Happy Ending, Dina's POV, Explicit Language, F/F, Heavy Angst, Post-Canon, Recovery, Therapy</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-07-30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-05 05:42:24</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Mature</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>Graphic Depictions Of Violence</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>8,893</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/25595980</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/afterah/pseuds/afterah</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p></p><blockquote>
  <p>It's not like Dina hadn't seen it, hadn't spent mornings and nights wondering<em>  when, what moment, which minute</em>; but even with all the signs and all possible warnings and watching Ellie disappearing inside herself like a forgotten memory, there was the huge part of denial that didn't prepare her enough.<br/>So, when Ellie said: "I can’t." and left, Dina felt like everything was fainting over her shoulders.<br/>And now, not only Ellie's alive, but she's <em>back.</em></p>
</blockquote>OR the one where Dina doesn't know how to deal with it.
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Dina &amp; Jesse (The Last Of Us), Dina/Ellie (The Last of Us)</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series:</b></td><td>i know they said the end is near; but I'm still on my tallest tip-toes [2]</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Series URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/series/1855105</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>8</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>97</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>wishing i stayed; look at how my tears ricochet</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>hy guys! this one is a continuation to <strong></strong><br/><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/24885439/chapters/60210703">ill' be home; in a day or two</a><br/>, so make sure to read the other one because they complement each other:)</p><p>I must say this one is sad. Like, really sad. And I'm sorry.</p><p>But, with a happy ending:)</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>It's not like she hasn't seen it coming.</p><p>She saw in the way Ellie lingered to respond, her eyes lost in a thick-foggy storm, her expression closing off like heavy iron doors as her hands held firmly whatever was in front of her.</p><p>Dina could see by the way Ellie pushed aside her meal into the corner of the table, without taking a single fork into her mouth. Or the way Ellie used to spend hours in the room pretending she was painting, but often just kept looking at the window - it felt like she wasn't there.  And Dina could see through the way Ellie kept away - very badly and poorly - her most frightening drawings from the woman; disfigured<em> faces and Joel without eyes.</em></p><p>It's not like Dina hadn't seen it, hadn't spent mornings and nights wondering<em> when, what moment, which minute</em>. What would make Ellie go, would it be a touch? An unwelcomed sound outside the farm or inside their room? Would it be a nightmare or just... one morning would Dina just wake up with an empty bed?</p><p>Yet, even with all the signs and all possible warnings, watching Ellie disappearing inside herself like a ghost, a forgotten memory, there was the huge part of denial that didn't prepare her enough.</p><p>So, when Ellie says. "I <em>can’t.</em>" and leaves, Dina feels like everything is fainting over her shoulders.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>She packs her bags and leaves the farm two days later.</p><p>There's no time to wait, no time to think. Her mind darts fast, roughly. JJ cries incessantly, his arms and attentive eyes seem to search for every crack, every sound, every possible movement that indicates the return of the one who's left.</p><p>It's too much for Dina. There's a lot of empty space - the scattered furniture isn't enough to occupy the entire environment. Ellie's clothes are still on the clothesline, now dry and ready to be put in the closet. Her drawings are still scattered around the house, incomplete, left aside. Her perfume's still on the mattress, the guitar cover open in the room. Everything on the farm is a reminder of something ripped from Dina's own hands.</p><p>So, Dina puts the necessary things in a backpack, puts in the cart, ties JJ around her body, and leaves.</p><p>She doesn't think. Doesn't breathe.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>
  <em>saudade; (in portuguese folk culture) a deep emotional state of melancholic longing for a person or thing that’s absent.</em>
</p><p>There's an old song that says that saudade is like packing up an empty room for someone who has died. However, for Dina, saudade is more than that - this longing's rises like a creature taking away its victim hunger and their sleep, that grows and feeds on their organs and senses. It's like an earthquake inside someone, which everything breaks into tiny million pieces, piercing all lungs untill their drown and the victim is-.</p><p>Saudade is the presence of <em>emptiness.</em></p><p>Dina doesn't quite remember how she arrived in Jackson, she doesn't remember Maria's look when received her at the reception, by herself with her son on her lap and a backpack on her hand. All Dina remembers is how that cloudy, dark day had dawned, how her hands had gripped so tightly on the horse's reins that it held her circulation while she lost her breath. Dina doesn't quite remember, but in an instant, she was sitting on Jesse's parents' couch and JJ was not on her hands, but on his grandfather's while his grandmother handed Dina a glass of water - which remained untouched.</p><p>She remembers Jesse's mother, Jane, preparing a bath and putting her inside. She remembers the old hands rubbing her hair and skin calmly as if applying even a tiny force the whole body would fall like a pyramid of cards. Dina remembers the gasp that came out of nowhere, like an unforeseen punch, remembers the tears mixing along the water in the same way that rivers converge.</p><p>Now, days later, the image of everything she ever lost is vivid. She remembers the last look exchanged between herself and her own mother, the moment tne the older woman pushed her daughters away and shouted <em> 'Run! Run!'</em>, while a group of crackers got closer. She remembers, years later, her sister holding Dina's hands tightly against her own chest, the quiet crying and gasping-breath when life emptied out of her eyes, along with the blood coming out of her body.</p><p>And Jesse. His disfigured face, his body inert on the floor, covered in a pool of blood that ran down the floor.</p><p>She remembers the countless times she had talked to the man and how in one of them he said:</p><p><em> 'When one of us dies, the other has to try to move on.' </em>  His eyes fixed, serious. '<em>We have to promise and fulfill it.' </em></p><p>That day, with his body raised as he hung flags in his room - he had a habit of collecting them - his voice had sounded light, even in contrast to his gaze. And Dina had just nodded, rolling her eyes. Jesse had this habit; thinking about the future. Dina liked to think about the present.</p><p>And she never expected that she would have to deal with that absence anytime soon.</p><p>Dina spends so much time feeling longing that it becomes natural. There's no sound or color. The days pass like a short memory, there's nothing to absorb, to feel. She doesn't even dream, yet she spends a good part of the day sleeping - it's like her own subconscious had erased, it's like she no longer exists.</p><p>Ellie leaves and Dina breaks.</p><p>Ellie leaves and Dina feels like she's gone.</p><p>The days go by and she only catches a few commands.<em>‘Eat. Drink. Sleep.’  </em>The days go by and the memories that she fought so hard to keep flash in her mind - Jesse saying  <em> ‘We need to keep living, Dina.' </em> And the girl desperately answering '<em>I don’t know if I can deal with more deaths. I can’t lose more people.'  </em>Jesse holding her face and saying the wrong words. '<em>You are strong. You need to be.’ </em></p><p>The days pass and Dina doesn't feel strong. She plunges into deep pain, in claws sunk in her own soul.</p><p>Then, one day JJ stops crying. The nights that were filled with a loud lament, sharp as a blade between the ribs, begin to be consumed by silence. It takes the rug out from under Dina's feet, it takes her breath away and she drops it hard on the floor.</p><p>Saudade is absence and absence is forgetfulness.</p><p>JJ is forgetting.</p><p>For a fraction of a second when he wakes up, his eyes are still confused in the vision of a new day -like something is not the way is supposed to be -, but his hands no longer stretch in a call from someone who won't come.</p><p>And what used to consume Dina's whole body and soul, preventing her from feeling or doing anything, vanishes with the speed of an avalanche - takes everything and leaves only the damage behind.</p><p>And what used to be full emptiness turns into pure anger. Heated, vibrant, intense, <em>uncontrollable</em>; a wave of anger that gets her out of bed for an entire day for the first time in months. Anger that dries her tears, previously there every time she opened her eyes, anger that permeates her veins with energy equal to power plants.</p><p>The only thing that remains absent is her voice.</p><p>When JJ cries, it's Jesse's mother who sings him to sleep.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Dina buries Ellie.</p><p>Not literally, because there's no corp, but there's a tombstone and a ceremony and there are some people present who pat Dina on the shoulders and say flaw, but sensitive words of comfort. There's a farewell, a goodbye, an exasperated attempt to try to get life going on.</p><p>She ignores the concerned looks on all familiar faces when, unlike everyone else, Dina doesn't place flowers but remains in the same position during the entire ceremony - standing still, hands wrapped around her body to prevent her pieces from falling to the floor. She ignores the company invitation from friends. She ignores the movement of bodies leaving the cemetery and she stays there, with an empty headstone and a broken heart.</p><p>And what was once a void that had burned in rage, now only ashes of pain remained in a quantity so massive that she chokes hard, her throat burns, eyes are flooded and Dina only has time to put her hands in front so that her face doesn't hit the floor.</p><p>Her hand sinks into the earth and Dina crumbles.</p><p>She reaches out tightly something that doesn't exist as if that would give the support that she longs for, that she needs; as if that would help her strength to lift not only physically.</p><p>But the soil is passed through the fingers and Dina sinks.</p><p> </p><p>Months fly by with absurd speed and soon the woman is involved with all possible and unimaginable activities. She occupies all spaces of the day with something, there's not an empty minute in the entire routine of the week - even though it's now much more difficult to sleep, she spends the night cleaning the house millions and millions of times.</p><p>Every day she waters the garden, picks leaves for tea, and prepares coffee for everyone. She bathes JJ, brushes his teeth, and combs his hair, which has started to get thicker. Dina fills the morning chat with small talk, almost like she's begging not to have any moment without words; she takes JJ to daycare and works in the greenhouse until it is time to pick him up from there.</p><p>Dina studies plants and reads all available books on the subject. She sets up a vegetable garden in the back of the house and soon plants grow strong and healthy. This doesn't prevent her from wondering when it will be <em>her </em>turn, so she deposits all her desires and opportunities in the water.</p><p>Until, eventually, it becomes easier to breathe.</p><p>There's a reconnection with old friends that makes her chest tighten. Now, Dina allows herself to smile and even laugh a little. Now, she arrives at the daycare earlier and talks to other moms and dads. Now, Dina even goes to one or two social events.</p><p>However, there's still a gleam in most people's eyes when they approach her - as if controlling their breathing will present Dina from crumble. People ask <em> 'How's JJ?',</em> And start a conversation like '<em>I heard you found a new seed.', </em> And Dina tries to ignore with all the strength that is in her body to control the deep discomfort because of the feeling their eyes transmit: pity.</p><p>That's why getting closer to Camila it’s <em>easy</em>. She has Latin heritage, her skin's a brownish color, like cedar. The two of them meet in the greenhouse, forming pairs due to the same working hours.</p><p>Camila's new to the city, arrived just before Dina returned to Jackson, so getting to know each other for the first time makes it easy for them to become friends soon. They go grab coffees after work and sometimes attend parties together. Soon, the group grows - Amy and Michael, recently married, and James, new to the city as well.</p><p>It's revigorating because there's a certain freedom with them. Dina doesn't have to pretend to be okay, nor does she feel bad about sometimes being okay. They laugh and talk, they drink and dance. </p><p>It’s easy. They don’t ask empty things like '<em>How is life?’ </em> </p><p><em> Instead, </em>Michal asks: “Why do you think summer is the worst season? Everything turns so beautiful. ” </p><p>And Dina doesn't have to put on a mask, she just responds. "It’s the season I lost my parents and later my sister." </p><p><em> Instead, </em> Amy completes: "Growing up is a bitch." She takes a sip of beer before completing it. “When we are young, things are good or bad. Black or white. Then, you grow up and there's sadness in good times and happiness on the bad ones. ”</p><p>James is in the open kitchen, as he is the host of the night, and prepares some snacks for everyone. The rest of the adults crowd the room, their minds starting to get a little dizzy 'cause of the drinks in their hands. </p><p>Instead of pretending, James simply answers. “I wish we could've grown up as normal kids. I don’t remember growing up seeing beautiful things.” </p><p>It’s true. Summer had always smelled of blood. Spring of despair. Autumn, abandonment. Winter of loneliness. </p><p>They raise the glass and drink. </p><p>Until Amy says, "If you could go anywhere in the world now, where would it be and why?" </p><p>The questioning floats on the air for a few moments. Dina thinks about all the times she traveled around the country - it's not the same thing they did before the outbreak when traveling was synonymous with relaxation. Nowadays, the word has a connotation of danger, so Dina doesn't want to go anywhere else. She wants to stay here. Yet, here doesn't feel... right. There are things missing - a feeling of belonging. </p><p>Consequently and unintentionally, the farm comes to mind - the white walls that they renovated, painted, hung pictures. The grass they kept trimmed, the way the sunset came through the walls, the shadow that it performed on the furniture.</p><p>She remembers the first time she really felt like she was in the place it was supposed to be.</p><p>Dina doesn't hesitate to answer. “Home. I want to feel like I'm home again.”</p><p>Someone suggests therapy but she is reluctant. The moment she decided to place a headstone in an empty grave, she decided to bury the whole past behind. </p><p>The moment she got up, staggering and breathless with her hands dirty with wet soil, she decided to bury everything really deep inside herself. </p><p>But, Dina decides to go after that night when comes home a little later than usual. Her vision is blurry after the drinks and cigarettes she had consumed in the small gathering. </p><p>So it takes her to blink more than once to make sure what she finds in the room isn't a nightmare. There are pictures and boxes scattered on the floor. And she doesn't have to get too close to know that they are from the farm. </p><p>"What's going on here?" The words come out louder than she intended, but she was'tt in much control of the senses before, let alone having to deal with all of that now. </p><p>The light in the living room and the lamp are on, with Jesse's mother kneeling on the floor looking at boxes. She resembles so much her son that Dina avoided looking at her face all she could, but her eyes don't lose any movement - especially now that the dark eyes fixed at her over the glasses in a lit way, but with twenty feet away. </p><p>"We went to get some things from the farm today," Jane says calmly as if stepping on a frozen lake. "We needed some pots and tools that we borrowed. We took advantage and brought some things.” </p><p>Dina is still standing at the door. Her heart is beating fast, fast, heavy. She sees the boxes as a clicker, ready to attack.</p><p>"I don't want any of that." She imposes. "You can take it back." </p><p>"Darling, -" </p><p>"No. You have no right. ” </p><p>"Beg your pardon?" Jane counters, her voice a little less friendly now. "There are pictures of <em>my son</em> and grandson here." </p><p>Jane's voice overlaps and Dina feels like she's losing her balance. Her hand holds the door frame in a clumsy manner that hurts a little due to the impact. There's a headache present as if pressing eight fingers to her forehead. From that distance, Jesse's portrait shines because of the lamp above it. The faint smile on his face makes Dina nauseous. </p><p>The older woman lets out a concerning breath, struggling to her feet with age. She walks over to Dina - she's so small that her face is shoulder-length. Still, she gently raises Dina's chin so that their eyes meet. </p><p>"We cannot ignore the past." The woman says. "It is inevitable that it will come back sometime." She puts her hand over the younger one - which holds her chest tightly. "But it is your choice whether its return will bring you down or propel you."</p><p>Tears flood Dina's vision and the pressure on her head increases that she slides to the floor and shrinks into a cocoon. She cries painfully, her sobs being as intense as well done punches, her throat as heavy as a hanging. It feels like everything has kept deep, abandoned, and forgotten, have all come together with those boxes laying on the living floor, and memories explode in her head like a bomb.</p><p>She keeps repeating. “I can’t believe they’re all gone. I can’t believe they left me here, alone. ”</p><p>She keeps repeating. “I can’t believe she left. Ellie left <em>me. </em>She left <em>us</em>. ”</p><p>Dina hears Jane's voice in the background, her sentence sounding almost the same as the one Jesse said all those years ago.</p><p>“But you’re alive. You’re here.” </p><p>But that doesn’t stop Dina from spilling everything she’s kept in months and feeling like she’s slipping through the cracks in the wooden clubs.</p><p>When she first came back to Jackson, Dina had the habit of always checking newcomers. She couldn't help it, her steps always led her to the gate despite knowing which answer she would have.</p><p>But as time goes by and Dina starts to deal with her trauma and not just avoid it, what used to be a routine becomes a rare thing and eventually stops happening. She accepts that this longing, this hope, is not going to get her anywhere but pure rage. In fact, prevent her path to recovery.</p><p>So the half-hour spent collecting information, Dina uses to spend time in the park playing with her son. </p><p>JJ now begins to take clumsy steps and who smiles as if every moment was filled with fun and light. JJ who holds her face with the tips of his finger every time he saw Dina sad. JJ climbs on her lap when she reads books and tells stories. Her son, Joel Jesse, who is shy at first but soon opens up with immense ease, who makes her cry of happiness.</p><p>The light of her life. </p><p>He's becoming more and more like his father each day, at the same time that he resembles Ellie with his shy smile and how his hands don't stop for anything in the world when he is ashamed. JJ can only calm down to the sound of music, remaining focused on it even at a young age. </p><p>JJ who had made Dina resignify longing as an empty room to longing as a memory album.</p><p>Therefore, it is possible to imagine how terrifying it is for Dina, almost one year and a half after coming back to the city, seeing Camila's eyes shimmering with pity for the first time.</p><p>"What?" Dina questions. </p><p>Camila's face is full of concern. She takes some steps close to Dina, takes her hand, and slowly, gently, she answers.</p><p>“A woman has returned to the city.” </p><p>So, it is possible to imagine that Dina blinks and is at school, at the exit time with JJ holding her hand. He starts babbling about his day, the syllables still not coherent. </p><p>However, even at a young age, he soon realizes that something isn't right. Dina hears him saying "Wassup, Mama?" and leans over to place it on your lap. The little hands cling to the back of her neck, he gives kisses of assurance on his mother's cheek, and the lie comes out of her mouth like poison. "Everything is going to be fine."</p><p>It's evident to imagine how absurd it is for Dina when she opens the door to find Maria standing in the kitchen, with Robin and Jane sitting at the table with their eyes wide open and their hands on their faces.</p><p>Understandably, Dina reacts with painful and agonizing <em>“No.”</em> when Maria finishes saying that the newly arrived is the one they buried a year ago.</p><p>Dina hands JJ to Robin's lap and closes the door behind her.</p><p>Her steps are like a flash as if running from an infected. Her steps are accelerated as if the world's oxygen limit. Dina taking one step out of the house and then she's running in the speed of light. She can't breathe, she can't breathe. Her hand knocks hard on the house door almost six blocks away, and it doesn't take too long for her to fall into Amy's arms.</p><p>Behind Amy, her husband Michael brings a glass of water and puts a gentle hand on Dina's back while Amy holds her hand.</p><p>Dina sobs. <em>“She’s here. She’s here.”</em></p><p>-/-/-</p><p>The day dawns with a cold and uncomfortable breeze, in an at to incorporate an empty and dusty house. It resembles a lost memory - the dark, silent sky, the icy fingertips holding the horse's reins tight with the only warmth present being that of her son pressed against her body.</p><p>The mother's head weighs as much as the same moment, bags full of weights rest under her eyes and her throat is dry from how much she had cried the night before. Dina doesn't remember the time she slept or how she got home, but she recognizes the white curtains and the wooden cupboard the instant she opens her eyes.</p><p>All she remembers is sinking her face against the body of her friends for hours and hours as if that would make her body melt into the earth and prevent from dealing with reality.</p><p>Ellie is alive. Ellie is back.</p><p>There's intense pressure on her head, and she staggers out of bed because of it. Her body crawls out of the room until reaching her son's. Curled up under a blanket, JJ has a serene face due to sleep. Dina passes her hand slowly and lovingly to move the strands - increasingly long and dark - from the child's eyes, and with the same hand, she grasps the crib rail. She supports the weight there, tilting her spine down - a pose that reflects the exhaustion and redemption she feels.</p><p>Ellie is alive. Ellie is back. In the bathroom she washes her face hard, the water so cold it burns her skin, but that doesn't stop her from scrubbing her skin. When Dina's done, she is panting, part of her wet hair running between her eyes. Dina takes a quick look in the mirror, realizing that the image she finds staring back at her looks disconnected, out of focus.</p><p>Dina goes downstairs. Ellie is alive. Dina sets the table for breakfast. Ellie is alive. Dina cuts the bread and dips in the hot coffee. Ellie is alive. Dina ignores the looks of her son's grandparents and the terrifying silence that permeates the room. Ellie is alive. Dina holds her son in her arms, JJ, eyes heavy with sleep and confusion from the night before, remains silent the whole way to school, his little face crumpled on her mother's neck while little hands hold the collar of her shirt.</p><p>Ellie is alive.</p><p>She doesn't want to, however, she doesn't wait, and in the blink of an eye, she is at Maria's door. </p><p>Her ears ring out loud as if a gun is blown; she cannot say whether her body trembles due to the cold breeze or the urge to vomit. Dina wraps her arms around herself when the door is opened and Maria directs her to the sofa, never letting the hold go - neither when the older woman offers a cup of tea and a cupcake, nor when silence is occupied by heavy words.</p><p>Dina manages to say: “How is she?”</p><p>And Maria answers.</p><p>Ellie is alive. She had arrived almost a month ago, alone, practically malnourished. Maria says she doesn't know how Ellie survived from the condition she was in, and that they managed to hold back on the information from leaking until this week - gossip like that flies around quite quickly in a small town. </p><p>Maria tells and her eyes rest on the younger woman's face, even if she looked like not even being there. Maria tells and her voice's calm, yet apprehensive, at any moment the ground below them could crumble.</p><p>"She’s starting therapy tomorrow." Maria says, sipping the tea.</p><p>Dina takes a deep breath. Arms are sored for staying so long in the same position, so she leans forward and rests her face on her hands - elbows on the knees. She runs her fingertips over her forehead, the pressure still very much present.</p><p>Then the older woman completes. "I think she's here to stay."</p><p>This makes Dina lookup. Their eyes meet.</p><p>"I don’t want her nearly close to him."</p><p>Maria nods. Yet, says: “She’s not going to do that. She’s just leaving the house to go to the medical center. ”</p><p>Dina looks to the side. On the wall, there are shelves full of photos. Even at this distance, it's easy to recognize one of the images - Joel, Tommy, Maria, and Ellie. It's taken in the same year that Dina had met her - her red hair was long enough to go over her shoulders, her body was small and slim but contrasting her personality. Dina relives the first time they had a conversation when she held the girl's hand while taking her to see the city.</p><p>The memory makes her body shimmer - but it's not sadness.</p><p>Ellie is back and Dina is <em>fucking angry.</em></p><p>This rage burns her body from inside, this rage makes her body go back to automatic, perform tasks just because they are necessary, this rage makes her hold work objects tightly and makes her snap at people that don't have anything to do with.</p><p>This rage bubbles up like a set of soup pots, making her chest roar like a group of infected people ready to deliver the final blow. It's this anger that makes Dina find her in the cemetery, crouched by the grave that bears her name with an expression so shocked that it almost makes Dina laugh in disbelief.</p><p>That rage bubbles like an erupting volcano, the smoke in front of her eyes surrounding the whole environment, making her almost choke by inhaling hard. That anger sinks her feet into the floor for a moment when Ellie stares at her - kneeling like a victim who has accepted her final destination, her small body shrunken, yet eyes wide open. </p><p>Soon the same anger explodes out almost yaps the same said to Maria.</p><p>
  <em>"I want you to stay the fuck away from me and him."</em>
</p><p>And she leaves. She spins her body and doesn't look back.</p><p>And Dina sees herself again at her friends' house, her body curled up on the floor again with both Michael and Amy at her side, comforting her.</p><p>Tears stain her vision like floods.</p><p>"It hurts so much." The wail is painful exasperation. Her hands press on her chest desperately. “It's true. Ellie is here and she looked so fucking fragile. She- ” A sharp sob rips her throat and she chokes.</p><p>Michael strokes her friend's hair, while Amy keeps her hand tight in hers. Upon her, Dina knows that they exchange worried looks.</p><p>“I buried her. I buried Ellie and she comes back like the living dead.”</p><p>Dina stares at her friends. "I can’t believe she’s back."</p><p>They don't respond, but their grips tighten and don't release until she calms down.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Dina does something she's not proud of.</p><p>However, she's confused, millions of feelings bubble up in her chest and there is so much anger. She was fine, everything was going absurdly and incredibly well. Is not fair. This whole situation's fucking shitty.</p><p>Then, two weeks later she's at Camila's house. Everyone has already left, no matter how hard they tried, there was a burden on the environment. As hard as she tried, Dina's laughs were short, her voice was clipped and her gaze was heavy. Still, she makes a point of staying a little longer.</p><p>Camila's saying something about a book James found on one of the patrols, but Dina doesn't pay much attention. She finishes collecting things on the table and puts them in the sink next to Camila, and the woman thanks. As Dina passes the glass, their hands touch and it's as if something is emerging.</p><p>It's not as if she hadn't felt before - there was an attraction between the two. Sometimes the words lingered, their eyes shone seductively and they flirted a few times. But nothing had passed the line. So far.</p><p>Dina takes a step forward. Her body almost touches Camila's, but far enough away that it was possible to leave. The other woman's caramel eyes darken, her neck red. Her thin-voice is low. "Dina."</p><p>Both are now open-mouthed, beer and wine breaths mixing in the fine air that separates them. "Camila."</p><p>Camila's eyes fall on Dina's lips. "You sure?"</p><p>There's no answer. But there are bodies crashing like continental blocks, eruptions overflowing within Dina. Their mouths stick and peel off hard, with desire. </p><p>Dina is angry. Dina is fucking angry and Camila knows it. Dina is angry and Camila kisses the neck. Dina is angry and Camila makes her way to the floor, her hands shaking as she unbuttons the jeans of the woman standing. </p><p>Dina is angry and Camila puts her mouth on her as if she's trying to drink all the furious out, letting out moans when Dina holds her light-brown hair and presses her face further forward while Dina begs. "Don't stop." </p><p>Dina is angry and Camila fucks her the way she wants; fast, strong, furiously. </p><p>When the breaths compose, Dina picks up her clothes from the floor at complete silence. She directs an apologizing look at the woman under the blanket. </p><p>Camila nods, already expecting it. </p><p>In the days that go by, they don't comment on what happened, but things are no longer easygoing. </p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Dina begins therapy. </p><p>But it isn't at Hospital - she'll only go there if she's fucking dying. </p><p>Instead, every Wednesday Dina makes her way to the other side of town, where she spends an hour and a half in front of Rachel, the only other psychology available. </p><p>In the first few months, Dina spends most of her hours avoiding the big elephant, even though anger spills over with every word she says. Until she runs into Maria at the market. </p><p>Maria small talks and Dina ignores the significant look on the woman's eyes. But, eventually, Maria's bold. </p><p>She says: "She's doing well, you know?"</p><p>Dina doesn't answer, but she holds the vegetables and fruits tightly in her arms. </p><p>Maria tries again. “Doctors say that she goes whenever necessary, and she doesn't miss a day of therapy. I relocated her to a new home, close to the medical center. I think she's even w- ” </p><p>‘What do you want, Maria?” she snaps. </p><p>Maria blinks. </p><p>"I mean," Dina continues, annoyed. “What do you expect me to do? Receive her with open arms?<em> 'Oh, Ellie, welcome back! Here’s your room and look, our son is walking now! But he doesn’t remember you, so that’s</em> bad.’"</p><p>Her voice sounds loud, pitchy. Her hands are shaking, and there's pressure on her head. Maria has her mouth closed in a line, a stern expression. All the people around cast curious eyes on the interaction, some hide it better than others. </p><p>Then, Maria says. "I'm sorry. I shouldn’t overstep.” </p><p>"Yeah." Dina gives up making the switching and leaves the market.</p><p>Instead, she knocks on Camila's door. </p><p>It's a weekend, so even if it's morning, she knows she's home. The dark wooden door opens a short time later, Camila's tall body covered in a light dress. </p><p>"Oi." </p><p>"Hey." </p><p>The woman raises an eyebrow at her. "You here to talk or to fuck?" </p><p>Her expression's blank, it's difficult to understand what she really means by that. Dina's gaze flies between her clear eyes until she lowers her shoulders in a redemptive way. </p><p>Hours later when they come, Dina breaths an "I'm sorry." </p><p>And Camila answers truly. "Me too." </p><p>After that, it kind of becomes routine. When Dina's angry, Camila eats her with the woman's legs over the latina's shoulders. When Dina's furious, Camila bends her over the table or presses against the wall - and fucks her like the world is falling apart. When Dina's overwhelmed, she bites the latina's shoulder to contain everything she wants to shout out, and Camila puts a hand over Dina's mouth while moving her hand with an expertise speed. </p><p>They fuck and it's never calm or gentle. Dina's angry and Camila follows.</p><p>They stop talking, the only thing that occupies the environment when they're together is their desperate and muffled moans.</p><p>Then, one day Camila's sitting with her back to her. </p><p>The two have reached the climax more times than they could count, both bodies sweaty and scratched. The air feels like a bubble about to burst. </p><p>Camila lets out a long, heavy breath. "This isn’t right." </p><p>Dina stares at the back of her neck. "Yeah." </p><p>"We must stop." </p><p>The latina turns her face. From Dina's position, it's only possible to see one of her eyes, and yet sadness is eminent. </p><p>Dina gets up and collects her clothes, putting them on. There's a tightness in her chest, but it's not just shame, she knows what that moment means. </p><p>It's a farewell. </p><p>She's opening the bedroom door when Camila speaks again.</p><p>"You need to talk to her." She says, without fear. "You can't go on feeling all this anger and getting it out like that or any other way that you find beyond this." Dina trembles. Camila continues. “You deserve to be happy, Dina. But you cannot expect to be happy on the back of others. This is not happiness, it's a flawed escape.” </p><p>The only thing she dares to say is, "I'm sorry I used you." </p><p>Camila lets out a sharp laugh. “Yeah. Me too.”</p><p>Their group of friends separate. James takes Camila’s side, Amy and Michael don’t take any part, but when Dina invites to hangout only Michael appears the first few times.</p><p>However, everything's a matter of time. Amy reappears and introduces new people to Dina, who soon become friends as well. Groups change. People come and go.</p><p>Some relationships end and others arise.</p><p>Or resurface.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Dina sees her again after many months. </p><p>Unlike the memory from the cemetery, Ellie gained a few pounds and her hair is shorter - months ago, it was long enough to almost touch her shoulders. Now, it's short just a little bit under the jaw. Ellie no longer looks like a frightened and malnourished being, on the contrary - she runs on the small soccer field with some children and teenagers. </p><p>Ellie smiles and raises her arms up when one of them scores and sticks the tongue to others when her team scores a goal. </p><p>Her body doesn't seem to sink into the earth, she seems to fly so light. </p><p>Dina's taken by surprise with the scene, she feels like been hit with a stun gun that paralyzes her on the floor. She watches the scene with a heavy, shocked, confused body. </p><p>Ellie doesn't notice, but Dina stays there for hours, her body flying away as soon as the game is over and people start to leave.</p><p>After that, she watches almost every game - the first time was unintentional, the second she believes so, but soon she stays slightly hidden and away, but completely immersed in the game. Dina can't say whether it's a bad joke or an inevitable action. Anyway, it is a recurring one.</p><p>Yet, Ellie doesn't notice any of the times.</p><p>Dina, however, notices everything - the sincere laugh, the cheers of celebration, or the playful boos. She notices how Ellie never lets her hair go beyond her jaw, the bangs part stuck back in the same way she did years ago. Dina notices in the days that Ellie isn't so excited and as these same weeks she doesn't stay in more than one match.</p><p>Dina notices. </p><p>And Dina chokes when the words start to come out in therapy: she tells how it was the first time she met Ellie, how she had been amazed by the woman since the first time, but how such feelings were always too complicated and too intense to be palpable.</p><p>And Dina puts out how she felt when Cat appeared, and the two big fights she had with Ellie when the tallest one asked, '<em> Why are you so angry at me?' </em> and ' <em> Why do you keep running away?', </em> and remember the time Ellie was bold enough to say.<em> 'You have Jesse. Why can’t I have Cat?'</em> Eyes shining with bravery, as she was demanding the truth. </p><p>And Dina tells about Jesse - the kindest person she had ever known in her life. Jesse had been first in countless ways, but after years of relationship, she accepted the one thing he was never the one: Dina loved Ellie first. </p><p>She remembers what he had said, the same day they ended for the last time, his body under hers while stroking the woman's dark hair.</p><p>
  <em>'You should tell her how you feel.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'I'm scared.'</em>
</p><p>
  <em>'We cannot be scared to be happy.'</em>
</p><p>Dina had closed her eyes. <em>“I’m sorry we weren’t right for each other.”</em> And he just smiled, kindly saying:<em> 'We are still, dummy. Just not in the way we thought we should be.'</em></p><p>Dina puts out everything she has kept since Seattle - but only the good things. The bad ones seem like she pushes even harder to the bottom of herself. Her therapist notices, but is content with what she had. </p><p>Any beginning is some beginning.</p><p>So days later, when she catches Ellie on her tiptoes peeking out of the Kindergarten's window, Dina doesn't control herself as she approaches. And it doesn't control when Ellie's eyes grow like a kid caught doing shit, the clumsy phrases “I do not stalk. I am not stalking.” making Dina smile - she's the one who's been stalking. </p><p>Dina doesn't control how her body gravitates forward when she sees Ellie's amputated fingers, how her own hand orbits forward to comfort her, then remembering not only isn't her space anymore, but she wonders what Ellie may have done to deserve it. </p><p>Yet, she also doesn't control the despair that takes over her body when she tells her to leave, almost automatically going after her and inviting her to the festivities happening in Jackson. </p><p>And if someone pondered she would deny it, but, unquestionably, Dina takes time choosing the clothes for the festivity - jeans folded at the end, a light-yellow flannel with some open buttons. She takes time braiding her hair, puts on makeup, and highlights some spots on her cheek with eyeliner, something typical of the celebration - called São João.</p><p>And if someone questioned she would deny it, but her chest's filled with painful happiness when she finds Ellie there, along with a friend, when her cheeks turn red as Dina accidentally makes fun of her. </p><p>Dina tries, but everything feels... inevitable.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Like a calm before the storm, it's also inevitable that everything won't stay well forever.</p><p>They start to run into each other more often in the city, and now at school - but never with JJ around. Ellie talks about her job at the carpentry and about a dinosaur collection she’s making, and Dina hides the anger that bubbles by remembering how Ellie spent hours with JJ on her lap talking about them.</p><p>Ellie tells detail by detail about soccer matches and Dina hides the anger that grows when she remembers when they were a teenager and everyone played together - Jesse, Ellie, Dina, along with other friends.</p><p>Ellie sometimes gets lost, it may be due to loud noise or someone who gets too close, but her hands press hard against any surface as her chest accelerates, eyes losing focus. Dina hides the despair that takes over when those moments remind her of why it happens, but even so, she slowly leans close to make Ellie focus on her breathing - slow, light - which makes Ellie calm down.</p><p>And she hides it well even if every day she wonders if Ellie is going to stay. Then, she sees her arriving it's an instant relief; so big and intense that makes her want to wrap it up and kiss Ellie as if they only had that last action to do before everything is over.</p><p>The women gravitate together like debris that inevitably returns to the surface after a shipwreck.</p><p>And Dina hides like a pro, but she's fucking angry.</p><p>So later on, when Ellie has the courage to question her about what's going on between them, Dina still tries one more time.</p><p>“Ellie, please. There’s nothing to talk about. ”</p><p>But Elie questions again, and Dina snaps.</p><p>Everything she held deep explodes like an erupting volcano - she overflows how she felt when Ellie left, and how JJ reacted, and everything she felt.</p><p>Dina admits. "I want to kiss you again." But soon complete. “But at the same time, I never want to look at you again. What if I give you another chance and you leave anyway? What am I going to do? Pick up the pieces <em>again</em>? I'm not strong enough, Ellie.”</p><p>Her voice now sounds breathless, sore, scratched, scared. The image of the other woman with JJ comes to her mind like flashes, mixed with the look Ellie had made when Dina had begged, almost two years ago, ‘Stay.’</p><p>"When you abandoned our family, you destroyed me." She lets go. “You don’t get to do this. You don’t get to leave, to put me through everything I was already dealing with-” She remembers Abby’s heavy hands throwing her face hard to the floor, how her mind just screamed Ellie. Ellie. Ellie. Dina chokes but continues. “And later more, for you to come back whenever you want. This isn’t fucking fair. ”</p><p>And when Dina gets up from the chair in the same park that she had spent so many moments with Ellie years ago, the decorations of the new festivity they were preparing, flying around, they don't speak again.</p><p>Dina leaves while Ellie stays.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>She takes a few weeks off.</p><p>And only leaves her house to go to therapy, where she cries for the first time since she started. She opens her heart and let all the real deep shit she's locked down for years.</p><p>She starts with: "I want to stop feeling like this. This anger's consuming me, making me sick."</p><p>"Where do you think this anger comes from?"</p><p>Then Dina bursts out - the words fly out of her mouth like untying a hose, uncontrollable, fast, the environment plunging into everything she holds. </p><p>"I'm angry because I never got to grow up as a normal kid and now I have a <em>son</em> that has to grow in the same world. I lost my dad when I was <em>two</em>, I lost my mom when I was <em>ten</em>, and then my sister when I was <em>thirteen</em>." Dina sobs. "Then I came to Jackson and felt like people I could live with and grow old."</p><p>She pushes her own chest as if is going to make it easier to let everything. "I fell in love with Ellie at the same moment I put my eyes on her but- when you're young and feel such an intense feeling everything is a lot harder, and I just... I settle to be just her friend. And then Jesse happened and he became <em>so</em> important, and Cat happened and I was so <em>jealous</em>."</p><p>"And then both relationships were over and I just kept thinking- I couldn't lose the opportunity to be with her, again. I couldn't lose her again." She says, her hands pressing her chest as if it would help to slow down the flood- but it does not. "And then Joel died, Seattle happened. We almost died a million times and I thought I was going to lose her." The tears flood her eyes. "And I felt like I kind of did. She was dying in front of me and I was so angry with the world and with me because I <em>couldn't save her</em> the way I wanted and she wasn't strong enough to do it by herself." </p><p>She doesn't stop talking.</p><p>"And Jesse <em>died</em>. Jesse fucking died and left me with <em>his kid</em> growing up inside of me. My first lover, my first best friend, died." She cries. "I am angry because he was <em>reckless.</em> And I'm angry because I didn't take time to acknowledge his death. After all, I was pregnant and traumatized and Ellie needed me. She needed me and I took care of her, and she took care of me. When JJ was born she got a lit bit better. See, she's an amazing mom, she took care of him even better than I could. But- it didn't matter. Nothing matter. The panic attacks came back and just grow stronger and stronger. The love of my life was disappearing in front of my eyes as days went by-</p><p>And she left."</p><p>The intensity of the words makes it necessary for Dina to feel. She sinks onto the couch, holding her own legs. Even with the position, her voice still comes out loud and ravenous.</p><p>"I guess I'm angry all the time because everyone got to leave when I needed them to <em>stay.</em>  Every person that I ever called family abandoned me. And when I started to accept it, she <em>comes back.</em> She always did that. Ellie goes wherever and whenever she wants and comes back without asking and I'm so fucking angry. That's not <em>fair</em>.  Yet, she's alive and she's doing everything I ever expect her to do. She's working and having fun with her own friends, and she's going to therapy and I don't want to but-" She lowers her voice as if she's losing her breath. "I'm still in love with her." </p><p>Her vision is fixed on her hands, trembling on the knees. Inside, it seems that the pressure that made her vomit the words lessens. Instead, there's a much controlled current, but strong enough for Dina to feel she's being carried away. Then, one thing comes to mind - something she hasn't acknowledge until now.</p><p>"And I'm angry at Joel and everything he left behind for her to deal with, and am angry with every single thing people tried to do to her and everything she did to them." She admits. "And I'm scared. I'm scared that the same way Ellie heritage Joel's past, our life is going to be JJ's legacy; and if it happens I'll not be able to do anything to prevent him from that."</p><p>After a while - in which she remains silent -, she finishes saying:</p><p>"I know that I need to forgive her, not only because she deserves it, but because I need that. I want that. Yet, I don't know if I can."</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>Later, she accepts.</p><p>The acknowledge makes everything better.</p><p>-/-/- </p><p> <br/>
Other than that, Dina spends her time busy with JJ as much as possible. They play and talk, she puts him over her shoulders and strolls in the garden picking fruits and touching the leaves.</p><p>She cooks all meals and talks to Robin and Jane. In a way, it resembles a year ago, when she occupied her time in the same way.</p><p>The only difference is that Dina starts working on the anger she feels, and starts talking about it. The problem with being furious all the time is that fury intoxicates and corrodes, and once poisoned it's difficult to walk away - almost like a drug.</p><p>And she starts to feel lighter.</p><p>Trauma's still difficult - the loss of her whole family and the loss of one love-life, yet facing the return of another. Or the fact that Dina almost died more than once in Seattle. She needs to deal with all the panic attacks she had hidden from Ellie.</p><p>The anger still exists; and, in a way, Dina feels that it always will, but it gets easier to deal with.</p><p>-/-/-</p><p>There's a small celebration at Michael and Amy's house due to their wedding anniversary. Dina had spent hours talking to friends and accompanying JJ on some games with the children in the garden, but now she's sitting at a table sipping white wine.</p><p>Out of the corner of her eyes, she sees a figure approaching, and she doesn't control her surprised expression when she sees Camila standing next to her. </p><p>Dina's eyes meet uncertainly with the woman's, who smiles gently. "Hello. May I? ”</p><p>"Sure." Dina pulls and pushes the chair beside her so that Camila can sit. It's been months since the last time they saw each other, and Dina notices how the woman has changed - the waves in her head are more defined, her body more stubborn. Looking down, Dina notices the bigger belly. "Oh." </p><p>Camila follows her gaze. “Yeah, almost four months. Can you believe it?” She spot's the question on the other woman's eyes. "It's James." </p><p>Dina smiles. “That’s awesome. Congratulations.” </p><p>"Thank you." She grins, sincerely. "How are you?" </p><p>Dina tilts her head to the side, shrugging. She raises the cup in her hand, taking a sip and the action causes Camila to laugh. </p><p>The latina says. "Dude, I fucking miss drinking." </p><p>"That’s the worst part of being pregnant." </p><p>"Oh really? I'm already suffering from just thinking about birth.” </p><p>“Oh, okay. That pain was the worst physical pain in my life. ” It isn't necessary to complete the sentence, both know that Dina has suffered many times physically. "Good luck, dude." </p><p>Camila chuckles. "Thanks." </p><p>A little away from them, JJ laughs out loud with his hands up while playing with some friends. They watch the children for a while until Camila starts talking again. </p><p>"But really, how are <em>you?</em>"<br/>
 <br/>
Her gaze is intense, and Dina knows she can't turn away. She wets her lips before speaking. "Honestly? No fucking clue. ”</p><p>Camila turns her whole body over to her, resting her elbow on the table and supporting her head there. She smiles kindly as if expecting Dina to take courage.</p><p>Dina looks and closes her eyes. When she surrenders, she turns the entire contents of the glass over, cleans the dripping drops.</p><p>"She’s back, she’s alive, and she’s getting well." Dina knows that the woman already knows this, but it makes sense to start like this. “Ellie has a job and isn't on patrol, which surprises me because she always had this idea of wanting to protect everyone all the time, so it's… weird. And she doesn't say she's better, she shows it. Which's weird. And now she talks to me without looking down, which was weird, but looking into my eyes- also weird. She still has breakdowns, which is unfortunately familiar, but... not touching her is weird.”</p><p>Camila nods. "So, this whole situation is fucking weird."</p><p>This makes the other woman laugh. "Indeed."</p><p>“But” Camila leans forward as if that would make Dina open up. "How are you?"</p><p>Dina looks at her.</p><p>How is she? Well.</p><p>“I’ve been angry for so long that I don’t know how I’m supposed to feel.” She begins. It may not be the best way to start, but it is the first thing that comes out. It takes time to elaborate better. “I don’t know if I should feel relieved or see it as a curse, I don’t know. Or if I must feel blessed - how many people go and don't come back? I don't know if I should feel trapped or accept that this is-it was always inevitable. ”</p><p>Dina looks down. Then, she manages a smile. </p><p>"But, I'm working on the anger thing." She says. "Not using the people I care about. Not anymore.</p><p>When her face turns up again, she has tears in her eyes.  Camila puts her hand over hers, both of it now resting between them on the table. She's smiling kindly, supportive, and feels easy, how it used to be.</p><p>Camila says. “I'm no psychologist, but I don't think there's a right or wrong way to feel. Relationships are complicated, especially some like that. But- ”She looks deep into the dark eyes. “The only right thing to do is what you think is best for you. What you do know it is... Inevitable.”</p><p>Dina loses her breath. Ellie's face comes to her mind. </p><p>Camila smiles.</p><p>“You deserve all the happiness in the world, Dina. And you deserve to be with someone you love, and loves you back. ”</p><p>- / - / -</p><p>Two nights later, Ellie knocks on her door.</p><p>Two nights later, Dina closes it - but not rudely. </p><p>It's not a farewell. </p><p>She watches Ellie plays with JJ,  after years of them being apart.</p><p>And she knows that, by closing the door with the three of them inside her house - Ellie's eyes shining with emotion and a silly smile on her face, whispering a <em>'thank you'</em> when Dina takes her side on the floor-, that she had made the right choice.</p><p>And sitting there, with JJ on his other parent's lap, she remembers Jesse. <em>'We cannot be scared to be happy.'</em></p><p>Ellie wasn’t scared anymore when she decided to stay.</p><p>Dina isn’t scared when she decides to accept her.</p><p>And it feels like coming home.</p>
  </div><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_foot_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff"><p>as you can see, english isn't my first language, so all constructive criticism is welcomed - i want to improve it. however, be nice as doing so, everyone is here to have a good time.</p><p>the song i mentioned on the beginning is called 'Pedaço de Mim', by Chico Buarque.</p><p> </p><p>see yah around!!</p><p>- adora</p></blockquote></div></div>
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